“Never Split the Difference” — Summary of chapter 2
Chapter 2 is focused on building rapport. This involves various techniques which, when juggled all at once, can get the other person to open up and allow collaboration to arrive at the end goal you are looking for.
One thing before the summary which will carry over to the remaining sumaries. Chris provides a plethora of stories where these ideas shine in practice. I will skip over them because a) they are not short and b) that’s the big value add of reading the book for yourself. Here I will highlight the techniques and aspects that Chris explains on the chapter.
The art of negotiation
Chapter starts with a little more insight into the art of negotiation. Negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: quickly establish relationships, get people to talk and think together.
Chris also add that a good negotiator prepares to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain to find.
Principles for building rapport
Chapter 2 is all about building rapport and how to get the other person to open up. As such there are a handful of principles highlighted by Chris as part of the stories included:
- Don’t commit to assumptions — view them as hypotheses and test them rigorously during negotiation
- Negotiation is a process of discovery — the goal is to uncover as much information as possible, not a clash of arguments
- Completely focus on the other person and what they have to say so you quiet the voices in your head steering you towards assumptions and distractions
- Slow it down so the other person can feel heard and secure
- Smile to facilitate your positive frame of mind, which allows you to think more quickly, and be more likely to collaborate and problem-solve — a positive frame of mind fosters mental agility for and the other person
Voice tones
But there is also great importance to how you communicate. How you deliver a sentence can either calm the other side, or turn them more hostile. There are three voice tones at your disposal during a negotiation:
- The late-night FM DJ voice: use selectively to make a point, with a calm and slow voice, while inflecting your voice downward. This voice creates an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness
- The positive/playful voice: should be your default voice. The key here is to smile and relax while you’re talking so that you come across as an easygoing, good-natured person
- The direct or assertive voice: use rarely, as it will create problems and pushback
Mirroring to make the other person feel heard
The last big tool highlighted in chapter 2 is mirroring.
Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, leading to easier bonds. It will encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy you time to regroup, and encourage the other person to reveal their strategy.
In practice, mirroring is done by repeating the last one to three words of what was just said. Remember, we humans fear what is different and we are drawn to what is similar. If the person hears back what they will just said they will know you are listening and feel validated that someone is paying attention. This positive feeling will facilitate them to open up and collaborate with you.
Closing thoughts
This summary makes the chapter look short but this is still 20 pages worth of knowledge. The stories really make difference when you decide to read the book for yourself. However, what you just read is the distilled negotiation theory taught by Chris into a nice and concise format.
One important aspect to note here is that none of these tools are immediate to materialise. They can feel awkward at first and require a serious mental effort to employ. As the old saying goes, practice makes perfect and so the more you practice the more natural they will feel and the more you can mold conversations and arguments in your favor.
